The Wonder of Modern Fax Technology
One of the perks of working at Small Publication (besides having an office in a building that requires me to utilize strip clubs as landmarks any time I give directions to visitors,) is the wonderful array of faxes we receive. When I first started working here, it was my job to look through them and separate the wheat from the chaff, find the newsworthy and scrap the rest. I don’t do that anymore, but today I had some extra time and was able to check out today’s catch. It made me nostalgic for those early days. Here’s a sampling of today’s fax-bounty.
1. The Sweet Smell of Freedom
Did you know that Creed, the happening new band, shares its name with, ahem, “the world’s only privately held luxury fragrance dynasty”? It’s true.
Here’s the latest from the luxury fragrance dynasty according to the fax transmission they sent us today:
“Wounded U.S. Soldiers At National Army Hospital Receive Royal Creed Fragrance.”
Yes. The Creed royal fragrance company “has shipped 260 bottles of one of its classic fragrances to U.S. soldiers at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, D.C., where soldiers returning from Iraq are treated.” But that’s not all. The name of this classic fragrance (for men AND women)?
CREED Zest Mandarine Pamplemousse.
No shit.
It’s a blend of “Calabrian bergamot, mandarine(um, sic) grapefruit and white flowers,” continues the fax, “that is free to the soldiers but retails for $98 a bottle at Neiman Marcus and select Saks Fifth Avenue stores.”
Freshly crippled-for-life, mindfucked vets. The lucky shits.
Lucky, because although they may never again sleep through the night, they’re sharing in a dynasty of smell that “has served more than 10 royal houses and…King George III, Queen Victoria, Winston Churchill, Princess Grace, Cary Grant, Frank Sinatra and Audrey Hepburn”. No chance, of course, that whenever they catch a whiff of said-smell in later periods of their lives, they’ll be jerked back to this horrible period in their lives.
So where can a work-a-day shmoe like me find some mandarine grapefruit? Well, I guess I could contact them at their “offices in the Empire State Building in New York City.” But the street address on the fax is in Paris. Paris, France. And the phone number has a North Carolina area code.
2. “Special Summertime Report…On Ice!!!”
Yes, this one leads with not one or two – but three exclamation points to let your health editors know…um, that this is about ice. Or that it’s a report about a corpse. Either way, it’s compelling, isn’t it? You’ve gotta read on…And when you do, it’s…more punctuation!
“ICE IS DIRTIER THAN TOILET WATER???
How to protect your family and friends this summer from contaminated ice”
It begins:
“You may have heard recent reports that your ice could be dirtier than toilet water.”
Why, yes, I think I have. I think it was…very. Recent, in fact. Feels like mere…moments ago.
“How is this possible? It could be processed and packaged from a moldy ice machine. Or perhaps it’s mishandled through the use of dirty buckets or even hand scooped by dirty hands. Anyone thirsty now?”
Dirty hands? Dirty buckets?! Mold??! Good god. Has anyone even stopped to consider the danger posed by eating corn on the cob? Leaving your house? Taking showers???? (VLKF Guys, help!
3. THERE’S NEW HOPE FOR THE PREVENTION OF SHINGLES IN OLDER ADULTS.
You know, I’m just…not gonna continue with this one. It’s hot outside and frankly, I’m feeling kind of nauseated. Also, I normally reserve my Fridays my “Severely Irritating Skin Infection”-Free days. Which may just change, I guess, as I grow into “older”-adulthood.
See ya later.
One of the perks of working at Small Publication (besides having an office in a building that requires me to utilize strip clubs as landmarks any time I give directions to visitors,) is the wonderful array of faxes we receive. When I first started working here, it was my job to look through them and separate the wheat from the chaff, find the newsworthy and scrap the rest. I don’t do that anymore, but today I had some extra time and was able to check out today’s catch. It made me nostalgic for those early days. Here’s a sampling of today’s fax-bounty.
Did you know that Creed, the happening new band, shares its name with, ahem, “the world’s only privately held luxury fragrance dynasty”? It’s true.
Here’s the latest from the luxury fragrance dynasty according to the fax transmission they sent us today:
“Wounded U.S. Soldiers At National Army Hospital Receive Royal Creed Fragrance.”
Yes. The Creed royal fragrance company “has shipped 260 bottles of one of its classic fragrances to U.S. soldiers at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, D.C., where soldiers returning from Iraq are treated.” But that’s not all. The name of this classic fragrance (for men AND women)?
CREED Zest Mandarine Pamplemousse.
No shit.
It’s a blend of “Calabrian bergamot, mandarine(um, sic) grapefruit and white flowers,” continues the fax, “that is free to the soldiers but retails for $98 a bottle at Neiman Marcus and select Saks Fifth Avenue stores.”
Freshly crippled-for-life, mindfucked vets. The lucky shits.
Lucky, because although they may never again sleep through the night, they’re sharing in a dynasty of smell that “has served more than 10 royal houses and…King George III, Queen Victoria, Winston Churchill, Princess Grace, Cary Grant, Frank Sinatra and Audrey Hepburn”. No chance, of course, that whenever they catch a whiff of said-smell in later periods of their lives, they’ll be jerked back to this horrible period in their lives.
So where can a work-a-day shmoe like me find some mandarine grapefruit? Well, I guess I could contact them at their “offices in the Empire State Building in New York City.” But the street address on the fax is in Paris. Paris, France. And the phone number has a North Carolina area code.
2. “Special Summertime Report…On Ice!!!”
Yes, this one leads with not one or two – but three exclamation points to let your health editors know…um, that this is about ice. Or that it’s a report about a corpse. Either way, it’s compelling, isn’t it? You’ve gotta read on…And when you do, it’s…more punctuation!
“ICE IS DIRTIER THAN TOILET WATER???
How to protect your family and friends this summer from contaminated ice”
It begins:
“You may have heard recent reports that your ice could be dirtier than toilet water.”
Why, yes, I think I have. I think it was…very. Recent, in fact. Feels like mere…moments ago.
“How is this possible? It could be processed and packaged from a moldy ice machine. Or perhaps it’s mishandled through the use of dirty buckets or even hand scooped by dirty hands. Anyone thirsty now?”
Dirty hands? Dirty buckets?! Mold??! Good god. Has anyone even stopped to consider the danger posed by eating corn on the cob? Leaving your house? Taking showers???? (VLKF Guys, help!
You know, I’m just…not gonna continue with this one. It’s hot outside and frankly, I’m feeling kind of nauseated. Also, I normally reserve my Fridays my “Severely Irritating Skin Infection”-Free days. Which may just change, I guess, as I grow into “older”-adulthood.
See ya later.
posted by Alice at 9:23 PM
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