Something Else You Should Know
Every possible pain you could experience at the hands of a gynocologist will be termed to you as a "cramp." No matter whether you're sixteen and they're introducing you to the joys of The Speculum, or you're in your twenties or thirties and they're scraping away at something to make sure it's not too many of those darn Cells of the Bad Sort, or you're at whatever age at all before menopause and have to go in for something you never expected to have to go in for, they tell you: "Oh, it'll feel like cramping." Either, "Oh, just expect a minor cramp," "Just think: a normal menstrual cramp" or, a'la today, "the worst cramps you ever had."

Sometimes folks, though, it's a bit worse than that. Sometimes it feels like a sharp, sharp fricking pain. I know that physicians are not paid for their varied and deftly illustrative vocabularies, but. Say, slicing into that flap of skin that connects your thumb to your index finger? for example? Does not feel like a cramp. Today, that's what it felt like.


My favorite part, by the way, was the following exchange:

Alice: (hunching down in the doctor's seat into the appropriate spot): Uh, my friend had to go in to do this a few months ago, and she told me they gave her local anesthetic.

Doctor: Oh. Yes, well I just don't do that. Sorry, honey, but you'll just feel pain. It's just going to hurt a whole lot.

Alice: Oh, okay.

(Awkward pause.)

Assisting Nurse: And just imagine the worse cramp you ever had. That's what it'll feel like.

Alice: [Nods and clutches at ubiquitous wrap-around doctor's-visit toga.)

Whee!