O Good Morning America people, shrieking out from our television at work each day: What is the source of your thrill? Soundwalk-bound, sign-clutching, you come from Nebraska, New Jersey and Ohio; you flock to LaGuardia to stand at the altar of Katie Couric and Al Roker and Matt Lauer. You stand and stand in the morning cold, packed in tight, tighter, your sons on your shoulders, your sorority sisters all drinking Starbucks for hours, shifting from foot to tired foot, holding your pee -- and then it happens: the red light comes on, the camera swoops in on your flock and from among you comes a shout, a cheer mounting in excitement, something between Dionysian ecstasy and football-game revels. Oh, what is the weather in your neck of the woods? A day begun in Rockefeller Plaza and ended in Times Square.

Household Hints for the Extremely Befuddled

(Now-! With links that work!)
We’ve received a second installment of wisdom in fax-form from the great fount of home-repair knowledge that is Handyman Al. You may recall that the last installment consisted of house-painting tips with such gems as height times width equals area.

Well, this time, Handyman Al’s anointed us with—Let’s use his exact wording: “Super Handyman Al Shares Hints on the Best Tools to Keep Around the House.” This makes me think that he’s not actually going to come right out and tell us which tools are useful, but that he’ll instead have bulleted insinuations, maybe even rhyming clues, a’la:

I’m sharp and easy to try out/but don’t run with me or you’ll poke your eye out!

But no. Instead, he starts off with: “First, you’ll need a 16-ounce claw hammer with good balance.” Followed by “Also, get a good adjustable wrench and a pair of pliers.” And then “A handsaw is handy, a crosscut saw with two-foot blade is useful.”

But useful for what, Al, what??? It could be that this is just the tip of something bigger: Al’s plan for America (or at least Georgia) to stockpile very basic tools for some master scheme. We can only await his next communiqué.

17 things to do on Sunday while yer hopped up of coffee:
1. Turn on the Flaming Stars real loud.

2. Start putting away various articles of clothing from various clean-clothing piles you made 1 week ago

3. Remember you have a new load of clothes that needs to be transferred to the dryer. Go to laundry room and do this.

4. On the way back, have a glass of water! Shoo! That was some lotta coffee you had!

5. Get back to room. Put hands on hips and look around. What were you doing?

6. Stripping sheets from bed! Do it! Yank ‘em off! Get ‘em outta there!

7. Change music to Fugazi. La la la!!!

8. Notice random piles of cds that have accumulated here, there, everywhere. Start putting cds back on shelf. Notice some of these are cds you don’t want anymore. Sort cds you plan to trade into a new pile. Start medium-sized-pile of cds that you want to import into your computer. Be left with pile of extra cds that don’t really fit anywhere. Put these in a new pile/really-same-old-pile on the floor next to the shelf.

9. While doing this, notice pile of New Yorkers (they just keep coming and coming and COMING-!) and handouts from writing class and credit card solicitations and bank statements and birthday cards from two months ago.

10. Ponder: When does one throw out birthday cards?

11. Change music to Merle Haggard.

12. Start to put magazines on bookshelf. Notice books lying about willy-nilly.

13. Start to put books back where they go. Notice old letter stuffed into one.

14. Read old letter. Sit. Stare off into space.

15. Notice fuzziness of floor. Consider getting vacuum from attic. Notice half-read book, also on floor.

16. Pick up book. Read.

17. Fall asleep.