I’ve got a crush on me. (But it’s fragile, at best.)
Are you waiting for someone to tell you you’re good at what you do? Are you waiting for someone to let you know you’re the real deal, in terms of something you’ve always wanted to be good at, but have been afraid to try for fear of failing?

I am in my late-twenties. My (also grown-up) friend Audrey has a friend whom she knows is absolutely smitten with her, and she was sort of interested herself, but what seems to keep her from jumping his bones is the fact that he’s so tentative, so impressed by her and always awaiting her approval. She and I talk over beer at the Brickstore Pub, and we tsk-tsk this guy because you know, if attraction’s gonna be mutual at all, you kind of want someone who likes you to impress you right back, to take action instead of just getting all tongue-tied and sixth-grade shy.

And then I pack up and go to my writing class, where exactly twice now, in two months, my prof has given me distinct hints that she thinks I “really have talent” and “will make it” etc., blah. And then she ignores me altogether, for weeks at a time. Her disdain leaves me salivating and chomping at the bit. I pine away. I dream of impressing her and entering the Inner Circle of Real Writers, who Know each other by some tacit sign –what? What is it? I dream of publication – which, the other night, she told me she thinks is my destiny. This was the Second time she threw a bone my way. Did I tell you that? Did I?

I think it’s probably been ages since Audrey’s would-be suitor has had a girlfriend, and likewise, it’s been forever since I’ve had any kind of mentor. And I realize that true success for either of us, in the long-run, has nothing to do with whether our objets de obsession pay any attention to us at all. My prof is purely symbolic for me, like Audrey just might be for this feller. What we all really want is proof that we’re alive. Which probably means that Mr. Guy’s fascination with Audrey is the healthier of the two of us. I’m not trying to wrap this all up in a neat package; I’m just thinking about how when you want one thing too much, you tend to lose sight of yourself. You tend to make yourself into someone who’s not worthy of whatever it is you want.